Mindfulness In A Nutshell

I have talked with many people about meditation. Some enjoy being still and quiet for varying lengths of time; yet, for others, meditation is a near-impossible task. Many people who experience anxiety struggle with sitting still, as keeping their legs from shaking or hands from twiddling is challenging. Mindfulness is hitting the charts in American Society, with articles in Time magazine and other publications. In 1979, John Kabat-Zinn created Mindfulness for people who chronic health problems; however, mindfulness is closely related to some Buddhist traditions. Meditation doesn't necessarily require sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat with your palms up reciting mantras for hours on end. Practicing mindfulness can be done by anyone, anywhere, at anytime- here are 4 basic components of mindfulness to help kickstart this rejuvenating practice in your life today!

1.     Being in the present moment
While practicing mindfulness, you are asked to focus on the here and now. You are encouraged to live life moment to moment, and are reminded that any previous or upcoming moment are not as important as the one you are living in right now. You give up all control of what could be or was, and concentrate on what is. 

2.     Breath work
Breathing is the most basic component to mindfulness. It is something that you can easily bring to your awareness and concentration. The first step of any meditation or mindfulness exercise is deep breathing. Therapists often tell their clients to breathe in for four seconds, hold, and exhale for 4 seconds. Mindful breathing looks different than how one breathes on a typical basis. Some call deep breathing, "belly breathing," as you are encouraged to rise your belly on the inhale and decrease your belly on the exhale. If done correctly, deep breathing will naturally lower your heart rate, which is useful when aiming to reduce anxiety.  

3.     Non-judgement
Being non-judgmental can be one of the most challenging aspects of mindfulness. The overall goal is to not compare your experience to another's experience, and to accept the experience for what it is. This is a technique that people with health issues and difficult life experiences are encouraged to use. Rather than labeling a moment or experience as "good" or "bad," mindful people are encouraged to use objective descriptive words when relating to a painful experience.  Another piece of non-judgment is separating your experience from another's or another moment that you had. For example, when sitting on the floor, rather than begrudgingly reminiscing on how easy sitting "criss crossed" on the floor was for you in kindergarten, focus on the here-and-now and simply experience how sitting on the floor is for you today. 

4.     Physical sensations
One of the most common things to do while practicing mindfulness is to focus on the body’s sensation. It has been said that we spend 80% of time in our mind, which leave very little time in our body. Typically, while in our mind, we are worrying, problem solving, or making choices. Mindfulness encourages one to put the mind at rest and place one's focus on what the body is saying instead. It is easier to be in the present moment when focusing on what you are hearing, seeing, smelling, and feelings rather than focusing on your meal plans for dinner. Giving the mind a break helps to wash away your worries and stressors, which in turn allows the body to rest and rejuvenate. 

Mindfulness can, and should be integrated in your day-to-day life in order to maintain a peaceful balance between the enjoyment of the moment and accomplishing your everyday tasks. Mindfulness can be practiced when a person eats- focusing on the texture of the food, the temperature, and taste. It can be applied to doing the dishes as well- concentrating on the physical sensations of the water, the dish and the sponge, the smell of the dish soap, and the sounds of the splashing water. Most of the time when we are doing these trivial daily tasks, such as doing the dishes, we are thinking about nearly everything but the task at hand, like overanalyzing how a coworker commented on your presentation, or criticizing the outcome of the recipe you cooked. Give your mind a break and reconnect with your body. Try mindfulness! 

If you are interested in learning more about mindfulness, we can help! 

Self Harming: Red Flags to Look for in Adolescents

Suicide and self-harming are two of the hardest things to talk about with teeangers. This is not an easy blog to read for anyone.  It is an uncomfortable topic that produces shame and guilt in adolescents. Many parents believe, “not my child,” but the truth is that it could be your child who is harming themselves. The information on this page is not to alarm people, but to educate people about the truth of a very sensitive topic. If you or a family member present with any of the following, please contact a mental health professional immediately.

According to US National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health in 2012, 13.9% to 21.4% of teenagers in  a sample of high schoolers were participating in non-suicidal self harming behaviors. There are various forms of self harming that do not include cutting. These behaviors can be, but are not limited to: biting themselves, carving their skin, burning themselves, forcing themselves to throw up without having negative thoughts of body images, participating in highly risky behavior knowing that they could get harmed, ingesting things they know will not kill them (i.e. alcohol and tobacco), and falling down or running into things on purpose. These are behaviors that can seem to be accidents, but may have been done on purpose as a form of self loathing. The biggest myth about suicide and self harm is that by talking about it, you will put the idea into someone's head. But, the truth is that your child has probably already been exposed to this negative coping skill at school by peers. Typical age groups include those between 7th, 8th and 9th grade, but there is a small population in 6th graders who are also participating in self-harming behaviors. Here are some behaviors to look out for:

1. Risk Taking Behaviors
It is not breaking news that teenagers engage in risk taking behaviors, and while some teens take risks for the fun of it, others engage in risky behaviors as a form of self-harm. One way to differentiate between those who take risks for the thrill of it versus those who are reckless with the intention of self-harm is to understand their inner-processing for engaging in such risky behaviors.  A pretty standard response in teens when confronted about reckless behaviors is akin to, "well everyone else was doing it..." but, if your teenager responds with dialogue that indicates a lack of self-worth, like "it's not like anyone is going to care anyways" or "so what, who cares?" understand that your teen may be in a very delicate place. Try letting them know how their risk taking behaviors affect you. I have heard many parents say, “this is just a cry out for help, they do not mean it.” Well, if this is a cry out for help, then it is high time you listen to what help they are asking for.

2. Frequently Missing School
This is a concern if your child is not one who has had problems with missing school in the past. Some children have had struggles going to school since elementary school. If this is a new behavior, where they are all of the sudden missing a lot of school, it could mean something.

3. Grades Dropping
I cannot tell you the amount of times I have heard, “I think my child has ADD, their grades are dropping, and they are not paying attention.” Well, if their grades are dropping and they had been a decent student in the past, I can tell you it is probably not ADD or ADHD.  Teenagers get distracted easily, because they are thinking about their crush, or what another person thinks of them, or how to fit in with the popular crowd.  For some teens, grades suddenly dropping, is a sign that they are struggling with depression- they may be consumed with negative thoughts about themselves, or may be questioning the "point" of all of this, including themselves and shutting down when they decide they, nor life matters. ADHD is one of the most misdiagnosed and over-diagnosed mental health diagnoses in America. Your child might have ADD, but they might also have depression. One way to better understand what might be going on is speaking with a health care professional.

4. Irregular Sleep
When a person has depression their sleep often becomes irregular in two ways, oversleeping and undersleeping. Many depressed people report not being able to fall asleep due to being consumed in unsettling thoughts.  Others find themselves unable to stay asleep, due to bad dreams or suddenly becoming alert in the middle of the night. Sleep irregularity is a big red flag to watch out for in anyone and is a warning sign for depression.

5. Easily Agitated
Nearly every teen struggles with irritability, so it is hard to gauge whether this agitation is due to hormones or depression. For emotionally fragile teens, some try and keep all of their emotions in, without releasing any emotions until they all build up and finally explode onto another person, OR themselves. While this is common for many teenagers, listen for signs of negative self-image and track the frequency of their agitation. 

6. Isolating
When someone wants to be alone it is typically for a reason- to decompress, relax, or rejuvenate. When a teenager wants to be alone, it is typically because they find nothing in common with their family, and want to do something cooler. It is important to give teenagers their privacy, and if you attempt to take it away or violate it, it will be a long offense a parent bares. Figure out how to watch your child from a distance. Ask them to keep their door open, and invite them to join the family frequently. If they seem down or agitated, there may be something underneath that is trapping them in isolation.    

7. Talking About Death
One of the most common fears among people is death, as people are afraid of the unknown. It is common and okay for teenagers to ask about death. Rather than trying to answer something you do not know, or dodging the topic, try and ask them why they want to know about death.  They may legitimately be afraid of death and need reassurance. If the topic becomes an obsession, then there is likely a problem going on and they need to see a mental health professional.

8. Using Drugs or Alcohol
Another “normal” behavior of teenagers, unfortunately, is trying drugs and alcohol. This is something parents can do their best to protect their children against, but, again, teenagers find ways. Honesty is the best policy. Educate your children and tell them your rules about drugs and alcohol. Without being graphic, inform them of any family history involving struggles with substances. Drugs and alcohol are substances people use to make themselves feel better; well, they think it makes them feel better. The use of drugs and alcohol is a risk factor for harming oneself. If you know or suspect your child is abusing any substance, call a mental health professional before it gets out of control.

As anyone can see, this list contains several behaviors that are typical of a teenager, making it difficult to differentiate between normal and abnormal behaviors. This is why it is important for teenagers engaging in the behaviors above to be evaluated by a mental health professional. Your child gets a phsycial check-up from a doctor each year, it may be time you take them for a emotional health exam. You are not alone in this, nor is your child.

If your child presents with any of these red flags and you are concerned, please contact us. We are here to help.

Be A Thermostat, Not a Thermometer

Imagine this- you’re up next in the grocery store checkout line and your child falls head over heels for a chocolate bar placed conveniently in reach in the tempting wall of treats flanking the conveyor belt. Your child takes initiative and places the candy in the cart and you respond assertively, telling him to put it back on the shelf. Your child’s eyes begin to well with water, his fists form into balls, he stomps his feet, and yells “NO!”  In response, your cheeks turn red, your body temperature is rising, and your heart is pounding, yet you manage to mutter, “put it back right now before I count to 3…” between your clenched teeth. The threat of the number 3 engulfs your child in a storm of anger involving screeching, hitting, and throwing. You feel the judgmental stares of everyone around you, but in a split second you explode.

We’ve all been there, whether as helpless bystanders or hopeless parents. It’s a miracle children haven’t figured out how to rule the world, knowing how seemingly capable they are of controlling adults’ emotions. Yet, while children are able to affect our emotions, it is also true to say that we, adults, have the power to regulate our feelings regardless of how manipulative children can be.  This is why it’s important to talk about the difference between thermostats and thermometers. I bet you have never been challenged to think about how thermostats and thermometers differ, but take a moment to ponder which one has the power.

The answer will soon be obvious once spring fades into summer- when the thermometer outside reads 98 degrees, those with AC race to their thermostats and set their house temperature to a pleasant 72 degrees. Regardless of the temperature on the outside, the thermostat gives us the power to control our inner environment. When a child is heating up the environment (being wild or temperamental) we are faced with two options: become consumed by their temperature and react, or maintain our peace on the inside regardless of the child’s affect and respond accordingly.  Learning how to regulate one’s emotions is a powerful tool that is necessary in order to remain in control around an upset and angry child. While easier said than done, here are three steps to remaining cool no matter what.

1. Determine your ideal temperature.  Are you a mellow person or do you like a healthy dose of competition? Some people need absolute silence to feel at peace, while others feel more comfortable surrounded by a bit of chaos. Imagine what an ideal day would look like for you and determine how that perfect day would impact you. Metaphorically speaking, the affect experienced during your perfect day is your ideal “temperature.” Once you have an understanding of how you like to feel on the inside, empower your self to protect your internal environment from the expected storm of emotions children experience on a daily basis. Developmentally speaking, children do not have the luxuries of a fully developed brain that allow for affect regulation, which is why they seem to be strapped to an emotional roller coaster. Use the powers your developmental age provides by determining your ideal mood and protecting your affect from getting swayed by the inevitable emotional ups and downs in the children surrounding you.

2. Remind yourself to not take children’s behaviors personally.  Children almost always have a motive behind their misbehaviors, but making an adult feel terrible is typically not the motive.  To help you understand what I mean by this, imagine the sport of rugby. When a player is in possession of the ball, an opponent will likely tackle that player in order to acquire the ball- the motive of the opponent was not to hurt the other player, but rather to acquire the item they desired. Now, think back on the last time you may have been hurt emotionally, verbally, or physically by a child and reevaluate the child’s motive. Were you in the way of them getting something they wanted, like perhaps iPad time or a second book at bedtime, or were they really just trying to make you feel miserable? My bet is that they were just trying to get what they wanted and you happened to be the one in possession.  Once you realize you child’s tantrum isn’t a personal attack, you will be better able to remove yourself enough to not get affected by their words and actions.

3. Pause, then respond. Pausing after experiencing an emotional blow from a child is crucial to maintaining a neutral internal environment. Bungee cords, puppies, and thermometers all react to stimuli instantaneously, but our aim is to take a moment to process external stimuli, decompress from the impact, and respond with intentionality in a way that elicits our desired environment. This skill will not only impact our experience, but will also show children the importance of thinking and responding rather than simply experiencing and reacting.  If a child is acting like a nut around you, take a deep breath, internally count to 5, and determine what you need to say in a way that maintains your inner peace.

Of course responding rather than reacting is easier said than done, but I encourage you to give it a try.  I challenge all of my clients wanting to make a change to try out newly learned skills for only 5 minutes a day, instead of jumping all in and getting overwhelmed. It is normal to want a change to happen immediately, but such high expectations can leave one vulnerable to discouragement, as change takes time and practice. I think you will be surprised at how relieving it feels to regain the power of your internal affect. Not only will it help you to feel peaceful amidst a child’s emotional rollercoaster, but it will also model how can remain in control for the child.

If you or your child struggle with emotional control, our therapists can help. Check out our website, or make an appointment. 

Talking To Your Teenager

Talking to teenagers can be challenging for parents. Parents can feel defeated when they try to explain to their teenagers why they are concerned, why they are punishing them, or why they have to do the things they do not want to do. Teenagers also have an annoying habit of locking themselves in their rooms and isolating. This can lead parents to feeling disconnected from their children, and even resentful for providing the many things that parents provide for their children. First, it is okay to be frustrated, angry or annoyed with your teenagers. That tells you that you love them, but you do not love the way they are treating you. Here are three ways to help you communicate with your teenagers.

1.     Speak with a low tone
When our children, especially teenagers, make us angry it is easy for us to lose control of emotions and hard to practice patience. The hardest part of this step is recognizing when you are not speaking in a low tone, or about to lose your patience. Once you have gained insight, then you must remind yourself to actually implement the tool of speaking in a lower and calmer tone. You are models to your children. There is not right or wrong, but you get to decide how your children respond to situations in the future, by setting an example in the present.

2.     Use I-Statements, and NOT You-Statements
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you do not know what your child is thinking or why they do the things they do. The odds of you knowing why they do things may be great, because hopefully you know your children well. Even then, you do not know what they are thinking. That is why it is important to use I-Statements and not You-Statements.

Example: “I am frustrated with you, because you have not cleaned your room, and I have asked you several times this week. Can you please tell me what is getting in your way of cleaning your room. Maybe I can help you come up with a solution” Not, “You never clean your room,” “You never listen to me and do not respect me."

Example: “I need for you to tell me where you are going, who you will be with, and when you will be back, because I care about you. I understand that you do not like having to tell me, but you have the option of either telling me and possibly going, or  not telling me and not going at all."
 -In this example, you set a boundary, told them why, validated that you do understand their emotion, and let them know they have choices. This message not only conveys care, but the importance of learning independence. 

3.   Ask them what they heard you say
Often times, children “space out” when their parents are trying to explain important things to them. This leave the parents feeling unheard, or frustrated with their child. Other times, people hear what they want to hear. This is not a phenomenon that occurs solely in children and teenagers. This is something adults do as well. If you are worried about something, you might not be completely listening to what your child/teen says. To ensure that what you are saying is completely conveyed make sure to end conversations with, “what did you hear me say?” to make sure they got the main points, and that they were listening. 

If you are having trouble wth your teenager, please contact us or visit our website for more information.