Talking to teenagers can be challenging for parents. Parents can feel defeated when they try to explain to their teenagers why they are concerned, why they are punishing them, or why they have to do the things they do not want to do. Teenagers also have an annoying habit of locking themselves in their rooms and isolating. This can lead parents to feeling disconnected from their children, and even resentful for providing the many things that parents provide for their children. First, it is okay to be frustrated, angry or annoyed with your teenagers. That tells you that you love them, but you do not love the way they are treating you. Here are three ways to help you communicate with your teenagers.
1. Speak with a low tone
When our children, especially teenagers, make us angry it is easy for us to lose control of emotions and hard to practice patience. The hardest part of this step is recognizing when you are not speaking in a low tone, or about to lose your patience. Once you have gained insight, then you must remind yourself to actually implement the tool of speaking in a lower and calmer tone. You are models to your children. There is not right or wrong, but you get to decide how your children respond to situations in the future, by setting an example in the present.
2. Use I-Statements, and NOT You-Statements
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you do not know what your child is thinking or why they do the things they do. The odds of you knowing why they do things may be great, because hopefully you know your children well. Even then, you do not know what they are thinking. That is why it is important to use I-Statements and not You-Statements.
Example: “I am frustrated with you, because you have not cleaned your room, and I have asked you several times this week. Can you please tell me what is getting in your way of cleaning your room. Maybe I can help you come up with a solution” Not, “You never clean your room,” “You never listen to me and do not respect me."
Example: “I need for you to tell me where you are going, who you will be with, and when you will be back, because I care about you. I understand that you do not like having to tell me, but you have the option of either telling me and possibly going, or not telling me and not going at all."
-In this example, you set a boundary, told them why, validated that you do understand their emotion, and let them know they have choices. This message not only conveys care, but the importance of learning independence.
3. Ask them what they heard you say
Often times, children “space out” when their parents are trying to explain important things to them. This leave the parents feeling unheard, or frustrated with their child. Other times, people hear what they want to hear. This is not a phenomenon that occurs solely in children and teenagers. This is something adults do as well. If you are worried about something, you might not be completely listening to what your child/teen says. To ensure that what you are saying is completely conveyed make sure to end conversations with, “what did you hear me say?” to make sure they got the main points, and that they were listening.
If you are having trouble wth your teenager, please contact us or visit our website for more information.