Imagine this- you’re up next in the grocery store checkout line and your child falls head over heels for a chocolate bar placed conveniently in reach in the tempting wall of treats flanking the conveyor belt. Your child takes initiative and places the candy in the cart and you respond assertively, telling him to put it back on the shelf. Your child’s eyes begin to well with water, his fists form into balls, he stomps his feet, and yells “NO!” In response, your cheeks turn red, your body temperature is rising, and your heart is pounding, yet you manage to mutter, “put it back right now before I count to 3…” between your clenched teeth. The threat of the number 3 engulfs your child in a storm of anger involving screeching, hitting, and throwing. You feel the judgmental stares of everyone around you, but in a split second you explode.
We’ve all been there, whether as helpless bystanders or hopeless parents. It’s a miracle children haven’t figured out how to rule the world, knowing how seemingly capable they are of controlling adults’ emotions. Yet, while children are able to affect our emotions, it is also true to say that we, adults, have the power to regulate our feelings regardless of how manipulative children can be. This is why it’s important to talk about the difference between thermostats and thermometers. I bet you have never been challenged to think about how thermostats and thermometers differ, but take a moment to ponder which one has the power.
The answer will soon be obvious once spring fades into summer- when the thermometer outside reads 98 degrees, those with AC race to their thermostats and set their house temperature to a pleasant 72 degrees. Regardless of the temperature on the outside, the thermostat gives us the power to control our inner environment. When a child is heating up the environment (being wild or temperamental) we are faced with two options: become consumed by their temperature and react, or maintain our peace on the inside regardless of the child’s affect and respond accordingly. Learning how to regulate one’s emotions is a powerful tool that is necessary in order to remain in control around an upset and angry child. While easier said than done, here are three steps to remaining cool no matter what.
1. Determine your ideal temperature. Are you a mellow person or do you like a healthy dose of competition? Some people need absolute silence to feel at peace, while others feel more comfortable surrounded by a bit of chaos. Imagine what an ideal day would look like for you and determine how that perfect day would impact you. Metaphorically speaking, the affect experienced during your perfect day is your ideal “temperature.” Once you have an understanding of how you like to feel on the inside, empower your self to protect your internal environment from the expected storm of emotions children experience on a daily basis. Developmentally speaking, children do not have the luxuries of a fully developed brain that allow for affect regulation, which is why they seem to be strapped to an emotional roller coaster. Use the powers your developmental age provides by determining your ideal mood and protecting your affect from getting swayed by the inevitable emotional ups and downs in the children surrounding you.
2. Remind yourself to not take children’s behaviors personally. Children almost always have a motive behind their misbehaviors, but making an adult feel terrible is typically not the motive. To help you understand what I mean by this, imagine the sport of rugby. When a player is in possession of the ball, an opponent will likely tackle that player in order to acquire the ball- the motive of the opponent was not to hurt the other player, but rather to acquire the item they desired. Now, think back on the last time you may have been hurt emotionally, verbally, or physically by a child and reevaluate the child’s motive. Were you in the way of them getting something they wanted, like perhaps iPad time or a second book at bedtime, or were they really just trying to make you feel miserable? My bet is that they were just trying to get what they wanted and you happened to be the one in possession. Once you realize you child’s tantrum isn’t a personal attack, you will be better able to remove yourself enough to not get affected by their words and actions.
3. Pause, then respond. Pausing after experiencing an emotional blow from a child is crucial to maintaining a neutral internal environment. Bungee cords, puppies, and thermometers all react to stimuli instantaneously, but our aim is to take a moment to process external stimuli, decompress from the impact, and respond with intentionality in a way that elicits our desired environment. This skill will not only impact our experience, but will also show children the importance of thinking and responding rather than simply experiencing and reacting. If a child is acting like a nut around you, take a deep breath, internally count to 5, and determine what you need to say in a way that maintains your inner peace.
Of course responding rather than reacting is easier said than done, but I encourage you to give it a try. I challenge all of my clients wanting to make a change to try out newly learned skills for only 5 minutes a day, instead of jumping all in and getting overwhelmed. It is normal to want a change to happen immediately, but such high expectations can leave one vulnerable to discouragement, as change takes time and practice. I think you will be surprised at how relieving it feels to regain the power of your internal affect. Not only will it help you to feel peaceful amidst a child’s emotional rollercoaster, but it will also model how can remain in control for the child.
If you or your child struggle with emotional control, our therapists can help. Check out our website, or make an appointment.