Suicide and self-harming are two of the hardest things to talk about with teeangers. This is not an easy blog to read for anyone. It is an uncomfortable topic that produces shame and guilt in adolescents. Many parents believe, “not my child,” but the truth is that it could be your child who is harming themselves. The information on this page is not to alarm people, but to educate people about the truth of a very sensitive topic. If you or a family member present with any of the following, please contact a mental health professional immediately.
According to US National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health in 2012, 13.9% to 21.4% of teenagers in a sample of high schoolers were participating in non-suicidal self harming behaviors. There are various forms of self harming that do not include cutting. These behaviors can be, but are not limited to: biting themselves, carving their skin, burning themselves, forcing themselves to throw up without having negative thoughts of body images, participating in highly risky behavior knowing that they could get harmed, ingesting things they know will not kill them (i.e. alcohol and tobacco), and falling down or running into things on purpose. These are behaviors that can seem to be accidents, but may have been done on purpose as a form of self loathing. The biggest myth about suicide and self harm is that by talking about it, you will put the idea into someone's head. But, the truth is that your child has probably already been exposed to this negative coping skill at school by peers. Typical age groups include those between 7th, 8th and 9th grade, but there is a small population in 6th graders who are also participating in self-harming behaviors. Here are some behaviors to look out for:
1. Risk Taking Behaviors
It is not breaking news that teenagers engage in risk taking behaviors, and while some teens take risks for the fun of it, others engage in risky behaviors as a form of self-harm. One way to differentiate between those who take risks for the thrill of it versus those who are reckless with the intention of self-harm is to understand their inner-processing for engaging in such risky behaviors. A pretty standard response in teens when confronted about reckless behaviors is akin to, "well everyone else was doing it..." but, if your teenager responds with dialogue that indicates a lack of self-worth, like "it's not like anyone is going to care anyways" or "so what, who cares?" understand that your teen may be in a very delicate place. Try letting them know how their risk taking behaviors affect you. I have heard many parents say, “this is just a cry out for help, they do not mean it.” Well, if this is a cry out for help, then it is high time you listen to what help they are asking for.
2. Frequently Missing School
This is a concern if your child is not one who has had problems with missing school in the past. Some children have had struggles going to school since elementary school. If this is a new behavior, where they are all of the sudden missing a lot of school, it could mean something.
3. Grades Dropping
I cannot tell you the amount of times I have heard, “I think my child has ADD, their grades are dropping, and they are not paying attention.” Well, if their grades are dropping and they had been a decent student in the past, I can tell you it is probably not ADD or ADHD. Teenagers get distracted easily, because they are thinking about their crush, or what another person thinks of them, or how to fit in with the popular crowd. For some teens, grades suddenly dropping, is a sign that they are struggling with depression- they may be consumed with negative thoughts about themselves, or may be questioning the "point" of all of this, including themselves and shutting down when they decide they, nor life matters. ADHD is one of the most misdiagnosed and over-diagnosed mental health diagnoses in America. Your child might have ADD, but they might also have depression. One way to better understand what might be going on is speaking with a health care professional.
4. Irregular Sleep
When a person has depression their sleep often becomes irregular in two ways, oversleeping and undersleeping. Many depressed people report not being able to fall asleep due to being consumed in unsettling thoughts. Others find themselves unable to stay asleep, due to bad dreams or suddenly becoming alert in the middle of the night. Sleep irregularity is a big red flag to watch out for in anyone and is a warning sign for depression.
5. Easily Agitated
Nearly every teen struggles with irritability, so it is hard to gauge whether this agitation is due to hormones or depression. For emotionally fragile teens, some try and keep all of their emotions in, without releasing any emotions until they all build up and finally explode onto another person, OR themselves. While this is common for many teenagers, listen for signs of negative self-image and track the frequency of their agitation.
6. Isolating
When someone wants to be alone it is typically for a reason- to decompress, relax, or rejuvenate. When a teenager wants to be alone, it is typically because they find nothing in common with their family, and want to do something cooler. It is important to give teenagers their privacy, and if you attempt to take it away or violate it, it will be a long offense a parent bares. Figure out how to watch your child from a distance. Ask them to keep their door open, and invite them to join the family frequently. If they seem down or agitated, there may be something underneath that is trapping them in isolation.
7. Talking About Death
One of the most common fears among people is death, as people are afraid of the unknown. It is common and okay for teenagers to ask about death. Rather than trying to answer something you do not know, or dodging the topic, try and ask them why they want to know about death. They may legitimately be afraid of death and need reassurance. If the topic becomes an obsession, then there is likely a problem going on and they need to see a mental health professional.
8. Using Drugs or Alcohol
Another “normal” behavior of teenagers, unfortunately, is trying drugs and alcohol. This is something parents can do their best to protect their children against, but, again, teenagers find ways. Honesty is the best policy. Educate your children and tell them your rules about drugs and alcohol. Without being graphic, inform them of any family history involving struggles with substances. Drugs and alcohol are substances people use to make themselves feel better; well, they think it makes them feel better. The use of drugs and alcohol is a risk factor for harming oneself. If you know or suspect your child is abusing any substance, call a mental health professional before it gets out of control.
As anyone can see, this list contains several behaviors that are typical of a teenager, making it difficult to differentiate between normal and abnormal behaviors. This is why it is important for teenagers engaging in the behaviors above to be evaluated by a mental health professional. Your child gets a phsycial check-up from a doctor each year, it may be time you take them for a emotional health exam. You are not alone in this, nor is your child.
If your child presents with any of these red flags and you are concerned, please contact us. We are here to help.