Times are tough, to say the very least. And having to juggle working from home while managing your children’s entertainment and education makes things all the more stressful. As a parent, you might be feeling overwhelmed, lost, and helpless to your children’s cries of hunger and boredom. Now that we are two weeks in to self-quarantining and just received the word of no school for at least another month-and-a-half you may be inches away from throwing in the white flag and giving up on any efforts to make this season mentally and socially stimulating for your children. Would it help you to know that you are not alone? I’ve spoken with a slew of parents at their whits end and all have just about accepted the loss of any chance of the winning the parent-of-the-year award. We are living through a pandemic that hasn’t been experienced to this degree for over a century. Essentially we all have been dumped into a zone of uncharted territory without a paddle or a map. Thus, it is okay and normal to feel lost and helpless, because in a sense we are all lost and can only create a map as we go day by day.
One aspect that has shown to be helpful for families is running on some type of schedule and establishing a “new normal” for the home. If you’ve grazed pinterest or facebook lately, you have likely seen a handful of schedules professing to be the perfect solution for your family if followed minute-by-minute. For some families, a structured schedule could be the key to a less stressful home life. But for many families who have kids who already struggle with anxiety, emotion regulation, or some other type of challenge, the days may look less neat and tidy. When you have a child who struggles with change or relishes on consistency, your days may be looking rather upside-down right about now. Instead of throwing in the towel, I encourage you to continue persevering. And while doing so, consider this scheduling idea below.
Kids thrive in routines and schedules, yet their desire- and need- for power and control may cause them to be unwilling participants in any schedule you might throw at them, no matter how “enriching.” The sweet spot between a routine and their resistance may require a little flexibility and motivation. With this concept, I’ve created a plan for families to sit down with their little ones and create a plan that works for all parties. It looks a little like this:
1.Clearly lay out all expectations and hopes for each day. In handout 1, you will find a section for parents to list of all academic and living expectations that they have. Concurrently, there is a space for children to voice their hopes and expectations for this time as well. It is important to give your child the respected space to voice their thoughts and feelings and to help them feel heard. Anyone is a lot more willing when they feel heard and respected. You can find an example of handout 1 here.
2.Explain your reasoning behind your list of expectations and check in with your children’s emotions regarding your expectations. The list will likely look daunting to a child, but explaining that everything on the list is what has always been done, just written out, may help children to ease their hesitations.
3.Likewise, validate your children’s hopes and expectations and encourage a collaborative discussion regarding the content. When kids heard that school would be out for over a month, I imagine their thoughts went straight to summer or winter break. They may have expected to have hardly any rules or expectations and created their own ideas for filling their days. Giving them the space to feel heard and allowing them to write down their ideas will help them to feel as though they are important and are considered when making a schedule. Do not jump to saying “no” immediately to some of their ideas, but if they do have some outlandish hopes, help them to process why they may not be possible.
4.Create a schedule that works for both you and your children. Don’t forget that your children are the ones who are actually following the schedule you create. Because they are the key player, they need to have a role in creating the schedule that dictates their day. Handout 2 is a schedule template for you all to insert all- or most- of the items previously written on Handout 1. The left side likely includes a lot of the parents’ expectations, while the right side sprinkles in your children’s hopes and desires. This layout encourages a balance between both sides and helps both parties to feel heard and included. You can find an example of handout 2 here.
5.Keep in mind your children’s abilities and have reasonable expectations. Each section should only include up to an hour and a half worth of expectations before children receive and experience a reward. If you are feeling a bit disgruntled about the idea of “rewarding” your child for completing already-expected tasks, consider the experiences on the right as the light at the end of the tunnel for each section of the day. Everyone needs a little respite sprinkled throughout their day, and your kids are no exception. Consider the example I drafted and you will see that a lot of the “rewards” are fairly reasonable break activities.
6.Implement the schedule in a relaxed and power-struggle free way. How you enforce the schedule is more important than the schedule itself. After the schedule has been made and both parties are more or less content, you may continue to experience push-back regarding the initiation and completion of some of your expectations. This is where the “reward” side becomes your friend- if a child does not wish to complete something on the left, they are accepting that they are sacrificing the reward on the right. At the end of the day, everything on the left still has to get done, but how your children choose to complete the tasks- whether willing or completely unwilling- determines whether or not they will be able to participate in their rewarded activities. Typically, the loss of a reward will be an encouragement enough to do the necessary tasks.
This isn’t a completely fool-proof plan, but it does hit a lot of the elements that could help allow the days to be smoother and feel like less of a battle. I have included “example” copies of both handouts as well as blank templates so you can customize your own schedule for your unique family.
If you have created a schedule through the provided templates and are still experiencing extreme pushback or unwillingness, there may be deeper issues going on. Consider reaching out today if checking in with our Licensed Mental Health Therapists could help your family create more calm amidst the chaos.